28 September 2010

Day Savings Time


The idea of daylight savings time is not as outlandish as it may at first appear, and has considerable merit from more than one point of view, videlicet energy savings.

But why stop at one hour?

The Research Department is proud to announce the new Day Savings Program, which will take effect on the first Monday after final approval by the Board.

Day Savings is simple.


Every Monday, at 2:33 pm, all clocks will be turned forward to Tuesday at 2:33 pm.

Every Saturday, at 7:15 pm, all clocks will be turned back to Friday at 7:15 pm.

The merits of this proposal need no further elucidation, yet an extensive analysis is provided below, mainly to fill up some space and allow more room to sell advertising specifically targeted at you.

On Monday afternoon, at the precise moment it begins to appear that Monday is endless, and therefore the week is endless, and therefore that one's life is an endless struggle in a sea of boredom and mediocrity, meaningless and with little hope of advance or respite, or of any joy whatsoever save that provided by escapist fantasies and/or drug-induced euphoria – boom! It's Tuesday afternoon, practically Wednesday already, and it's all downhill from here to the good times baby.

Then, on Saturday after dinner, a quick flipperoo of the calendar and here we are back on Friday evening, you just got home from work and get ready for the weekend, Darryl's having a party at his place tonight but it's not starting until later, some of us were going to see the new Basilicus flick before we head over there, text me if u wanna come with.

Opposition from the overlords has been intense, you should hear them caterwauling about how losing a day of toil from the serfs every week could result in further layoffs and damage our long-term prospects for economic growth. Nonetheless, the people of this great nation seem to agree that there's no party like the present, and that we might as well borrow as much from the future as we can because soon, the way things are going, the future may not even be there for us to borrow from.

24 September 2010

Support Brainwashing

Most people in our modern times seem to agree that our educational system has gone to hell on a greased pole in a handbasket, and some fresh new ideas are urgently needed at this critical juncture.

The answer is simple and can be summed up in one phrase: brainwashing.

Forget the school board and the teacher's unions, the department of education and all the state and federal bureaucrats rooting around our classplaces these days; brainwashing remains the only viable and cost-effective solution to cranking out the particular type of drones our great nation needs to keep its place at the top of the pie.

In the past our education has attempted to impart the critical thinking skills important to our growing democracy. Well let's get with the times, Kojak. We're not growing any more and the whole democracy thing is getting old.

Why does one have to question everything anyway? Why so much emphasis on doubt? Take Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle for instance. What kind of principle is that on which to build a world-dominating nation-state? "I think I'm gonna kick your ass -- but I have gone to great pains to prove that there is no way I can be absolutely certain about it." I mean, when you're staring down the business end of a 357 semi-odd 30-Gauge double barreled Mach Six Winchester Bazoo, where's your uncertainty principle now? Eh Heisenberg ol' pal, where's your uncertainty principle now, see? Yeah!

There should be three basic goals to this brainwashing:
1) It should make our great nation-state even greater (stand up straight when you say that)
2) It should brook no disagreement ('nuff said)
3) It should ensure that I maintain my privileged position in society in perpetuity.

Wait, did I say that out loud? I was kidding of course, we're all in it together, shared sacrifice and all that, right I mean, do you have any idea what the top tax rates are? No, I guess you wouldn't.

But I've said too much. This is Rich Mamundsen, living large in a world of untelevisable splendor, reporting.