09 December 2010

Relentlessly Positive (Tammy’s Post)

This guest post was sent in by one of our readers, Tammy.

I love that. Omigod stop it right now, just stop. No wait keep going. I love what you are doing right there. That is an absolutely wonderful sweater. Wasn't that just the best cup of coffee you have ever had?

I am a relentlessly positive person and I guess that's why people like me. Some folks ask how I can always be so positive but I assure you it's not an affectation -- that's just the way I'm wired.

It must be why people seem to gravitate towards me. I make them feel good about themselves, and that makes them feel good about me. It feels good to make people feel good about feeling good about each other, and that's what I'm all about: feeling good about people.

Like I can see an elf in a Michael Caine costume on the 4th of July but I'll still give him a big hug and be like, Hey you crazy elfie Alfie, thanks for trying to brighten my day!

I love my life!

Oh occasionally you see some tramp in a hideous outfit that is just like Oh my god, what were you thinking when you put that on? But you know, that's okay, I can still stay positive and find something nice to say. I guess it's a gift more than anything else.

And to people who can't handle my unflagging positivity at all times, I say: Fuck you! Eat shit and die fuckers, 'cause I'm a freaking positive person and you can either like it or just get your sorry ass the fuck out of here. There, got that off my chest, that feels great.

Let positivity reign!

Wow, don't try to tell me you did not get a haircut, a new hemline or have your eyes glossed or something, because you look almost totally amazing today! Okay, now that that boring introduction will have thrown off all those short attention spans, let's get down to brass tacks: let's talk world domination.

In order to dominate the world one is going to have to invest significant resources in transportation infrastructure. Shipping lanes, after all, will need to be kept open, and the devastating attacks of pirates have scuttled many a plan to conquer the Earth. A security force of some kind, armed with top of the line weapons systems, should be at the top of your shopping list. A cadre of loyal and experienced officers to command your military will also be of the most important essence -- but let's blow up that bridge when we're crossing it.

The media also seems to be pretty important these days and control of the media starts with control of the internet, which of course can never be controlled, so the best strategy is probably to hire a good media consultant and try to project a powerful image that will cause peoples and their armies to subjugate themselves to your rule, or at least follow you on Twitterer.

Here then is our first learn: these things cost money. You are going to need a shitload of cash to establish control of those shipping lanes, and the best PR firms charge a fortune. So before you can even begin to implement your plan you are going to need at least ten billion dollars, plus access to more if you can get it printed.

Sound daunting? It should, because it is. But recall that deep down, most people want to be dominated. They are desperately searching for something, someone, anyone they can bow themselves down before (or at least follow on Twitterer). This makes them relatively easy to dominate, and although the 140 character limit can be somewhat restrictive, it should not in itself derail your deranged ambition: world domination.

If you can seize control of time you can probably dominate the world, although it may be reasonably objected that seizing control of time is a tactic and not a strategy. Still, the distinction is not Jermaine to the present discussion, as control of time, though it could only be used as a last resort, would seem to offer a weapon that at the very least could really mess with the enemy's head, I mean imagine putting a little Groundhog Day thing on them, every day they wake up and it's the same day over again! A little of that could break the spirit of any of history's greatest warriors, from Napoleon to Richard Lewis the Lionhearted.

How about you, dear reader? How would you propose to dominate the world? Use the Comment Box below, or drop me a line at: Whirled Domination, 182 Sandbox Avenue, Nine Times Out of Ten, Bonneville Salt Flats, Jersey Shores, Saskatchewan, Bozo Jones the Unfathomable. Be sure to toss fifty bucks in there if you expect me to read it.

4 comments:

  1. How about it, folks, let's give it up for Tammy. A little bipolar, nonsensical at times, positively relentless, and most likely never to be heard from again.

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  2. I would not try the Groundhog Day thing on any modern army that might have seen the film. They could learn from Bill Murray's inspiring example and use the repeat days to hone themselves into perfect, invincible warriors. Once you lose control of time, look out, you will surely suffer the consequences of your arrogant hubris!

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  3. Why do I feel like I'm experiencing an acid flashback?

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  4. Thanks for writing in. In order to make a reliable diagnosis, more information about your state of mind and history of ingesting LSD would be required. In any case, the management cannot accept responsibility for the effect of any content hereincontained on the mental state or states of the readers.

    Without controlled experiments it would be difficult if not impossible to establish unequivocally that the lumpy loopiness of a particular blogpost or set of blogposts is responsible for inducing states of hysteria / euphoria / mystical oneness with soda / whatever acid flashbacks do to you.

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