30 December 2011

How to Regard the Various Figures Inhabiting Your Psyche

We don't offer a lot of advice around here, we believe you should be free to live the life of your own design as long as you shoulder the consequences.  Yet most humans, including those who read blogs, crave advice, and we are no different from the rest of us in this regard.  Let us then advise each other (we) about some common archetypes which dominate the human psyche, and see what happens (forthwith).

1) Monsters.  Monsters are no more real than other humans and should definitely not be regarded as such.  Monsters growl at you and occasionally slash but they know nothing of your inner torment, they are just in it for themselves and generally not worth the trouble they stir up.

2) Astronauts are guilty of much the same private failings of the rest of us, as a group, yet individually must be regarded as worthy of respect until proven other(than)wise.

3) The Father Figure is critical to the success and failure of most males and many women by the same token.  Pops does his best but he is no more human than you or I, and liable to the same peccadilloes as, say, Matt Dillon or Twiggy.

4) Elvis was really cool and got a ton of chicks, pretty much every one he snapped his fingers for.  What this has to do with you or me is far from clear, but Elvis was a bad mother.

5) Souffles are difficult for any rugged macho man to bake and failure to get one to rise should not be seen as a failure of one's personal manhood.  To dream constantly of a falling souffle is to foresee one's own (omn)i(m)potence.

6) Hemingway bent his elbow more than most, though how much of what he imbibed was creme de menthe is anyone's guess.  The salt tasted salty, in his mouth.

7) Jim Nabors sure sang a lovely tune in his day, he could croon with anyone like nobody's business, though he is better known for his portrayal of Gomer Pyle, who served his country admirably as a bungling marine, at a safe distance from the horrors of his era, as it seemed.

8) Dr. Freud sits behind you, watching you, nodding disinterestedly, saying as little as possible, judging you for the disgusting being that you are, he just wants you to admit more of it, whether it actually helps you or not is beside the point.

9) Anne of Green Gables should no longer even be in your psyche, but if she persists,consult four out of five dentists surveyed, they'll tell you what's next.

10) Tim Druthers.   Tim should be regarded with verveless aplomb.  Apple butter should be separated from the spatula by hand if necessary.

16 December 2011

Call for Papers: The Proverbial Conference

This/next year’s Demi-Annual Proverbial Conference and Metaphysical Hoedown is scheduled for some time in April of one of the coming years, at your local convention center.  Early bird registration is now open, get 'em while they’re hot.  There will be ample free parking.

As one of the leading experts in whatever it is you do, you are hereby invited to submit a paper, join one of the panel discussions, and/or serve on the refreshments committee. Abstracts should be submitted several months in advance, in triplicate, and please note that they should be as abstract as possible without wandering into the vague. 

The conference will consist of two main tracks.  One will be devoted to the business and practical applications of a new type of whipped marshmallow topping developed by my aunt. Suggestions for the other track are now being accepted, but it might have something to do with eggs.

Who should attend:  People who live in trees.  C-level execs and other know-it-alls from the whipped topping industry.  Voles.  People who live in glass houses.  Anyone feeling a bit peckish.  John Elway.  Brian P and his little buddy.  People who shoulda thrown stones.

In order to encourage collaborative comaraderie and the spirit of sharing community so that all attendees derive maximum benefit from the conference, we have booked two entire floors at a nearby Motel Forty-four Ninety-five and arranged for all the walls to be knocked out.  There will be no specific room assignments and beds will be available in 6-hour shifts.  This year we are encouraging all participants to bring their own toothbrush.

Closing the second night there will be a big musical performance, we hope to get Alice in Chains but we’ll see, if we can’t, my mother-in-law’s stepdaughter (I can’t call her my stepsister-in-law or my wife will kill me, she doesn’t see eye to eye with that bunch, but fortunately she won’t be at the conference) is pretty good on the piano.

The first six people in the door will get a free tote bag.

More in this space as The Conference takes shape.

02 December 2011

Fake Letters from Fake Readers to Fake Editor

All of these letters are real in some sense.  All were concocted by somebody, and that somebody is (at heart) a real person.  If by real we mean actual letters from actual viewers, human writing sincerely to communicate with fellow(s), not all would qualify.  To be perfectly bluntless, these are mostly made-up letters from nonexistent readers with fake names and moustaches and just hideously bad breath.  The responses however are real, as they are not made up by a fake person at all and therefore must, by definition, be considered real if only in the sense that they were really created and written in the name of a fictional character.  But may I just ask: from your point of view, what’s the damned difference?  I mean if you can read it then you can think it, and anything you can think on must be real.  Otherwise you’re crazy, I’m crazy, the whole internet is crazy!

Dear PBJ:
I found a shell that I want to use to make a beautiful necklace for that special someone (Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo), but there is a hermit crab living inside of it.  How do I get that little bugger out of there?
Anne, Brown Cables

Dear Anne:
According to the FBI field manual, useful in hostage situations or when someone is holed up inside and won’t come out like this, you should first surround the shell with a SWAT team of approximately 50 trained snipers.  You can then lob in tear gas, and following that send in the goons to remove the dazed crab.  But be careful: crabs pinch, and Mr. Romo is a notorious womanizer.  Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

Dear Mr. Rasmussen:
Your magazine has gone off the third rails again this time, or maybe I should say off the deep end of the pier.  All this stuff about shells and turtles, it’s like a beachfront publication.  I mean it’s an affront to the beachfront.  It’s an outright effrontery to the front of the beach!
Bucky Huffets, Lothario, Rhode Island

Dear Mr HuffyBuckets: Thank you for your feedback, it will be used to improve our product, which will no longer be available to you because you’re banned, now take one last long look around and get out.

Dear Tony:
So how do you pronounce your last name, is the accent on the first syllable or the second?
Leonard Thurston, Providence RI

Dear Leonard:
Thanks for the question.  In a neat phrase now the exclusive property of the McDonald’s corporation: I’m loving it.  In our family the preferred pronunciation was with the accent on the first.  But if people want to say it the other way we don’t get all high and mighty about it.

Dear Proverbial Bejesus lady:
You broke my brain.  Thanks a lot.
Dennis, Rhode Island

Dear Dennis:
No charge bro.  Just keep laying there and don’t try to breathe.  We’ll send a man around in the morning.

Dear Mr. Rasmussen (if that is your real sobriquet):
Am writing to express my belated thanks for you not keeping your threat to destroy every last existing copy of Citizen Kane, which is widely regarded as one of the pillars of modern cinema.  Kudos to you for your wonderful self-restraint.
Kevin Vertigo, Cinnabonymous, New Jersey

Dear Kev:
Thanks for noticing.  Decided to spare Kane and instead have destroyed all existing copies of the best surviving television sitcom of the 1960s.  So far, no one’s noticed.

Dear Tony:
I know I should pray to Jesus as he is the number one god around here.  But next week I will visit Okinawa and my friend told me they have different gods there.  Is Jesus the one true god of all the universe, including Japan?  Why does he always make it rain when I have to walk to the grocery store?  Why can’t he stop traffic jams, or have pizzas delivered instantly?
Prosser Malamute, West Texas, Idaho

Dear Prosser:
Jesus?  Don’t get me started.  My doctor ordered me to stop talking about religion in general and that guy in particular.  Look, you can believe whatever you want, worship any god you please in any spot on earth.  If your behavior disturbs the locals, you are doing great work.  If they tear you to pieces, bingo, you’re a martyr.  What do you care what other people think?  What are you, a leprechaun?