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Regular subscribers to our newsletter may be relieved to learn that, after an extensive subcommittee review, we have decided to drop our plans to seize control of time and take over the universe. A recalculation of the costs and benefits of so doing led to the inescapable conclusion that the endeavor simply was not worth the time and energy required (not to mention the unspeakable suffering our efforts would undoubtedly have inflicted on countless innocents). So we're putting that one back on the shelf and you won't hear anything about it again, barring some unforeseen change in fundamental conditions that could swing the calculus back the other way.
Instead we have determined that merely seizing control of the sun will afford total dominion over this world and the next. Since life on earth is dependent on the sun for survival, control of same is effective control over all life on earth. And though there will no doubt be some difficulties, compared to managing the flow of time it appears relatively doable. However, it will not be cheap and that is where you come in. No we are not calling you cheap, in fact quite the contrary: we need your generous contributions in order to cover the tremendous investment we are making in your future. That's right, this is the single most important investment you will ever make. It is likely to determine whether we can succeed in controlling the sun and cutting you in on a piece of the action, or whether the sun is to remain uncontrolled and your life to continue in (much the same) vain, devoid of meaning, alternately plodding and careening aimlessly towards certain death.
The more (and the sooner) you give, the more you will get on our good side, and after we have achieved our objective you can rest assured there will be plenty of sunlight (but less of the cancer causing kind) shining on you and the crops of those you hold dear. If you don't donate just a wee bit more than you can afford, right now – frankly, the consequences themselves shudder to be thought of.
Bonus Newsletter Item: Free pizza will be offered in this space on Monday afternoons between five and seven pm. We plan to make our money back by jacking up the price of soda. So if you like pizza and can tolerate it without soda, stop by on Monday afternoons and you will totally get your money's worth. Even if you like soda, the free pizza is not bad. Just don’t come in at like 7:03 looking for free slices because we are not playing that game, free ends at seven sharp and pizza prices are expected to rise dramatically after that, though the effect on consumer wallets will be moderated by a decline in the price of soda, which had been kept artificially high during the free pizza giveaway bonanza period.
Plus, also, and in addition to that dept.: Margie and Joe got married this week. Congrats to Margie and Joe. If you're getting married soon let us know in time for the next newsletter and we'll announce it for you, for free (with purchase of a medium soft drink).