21 November 2012

Five Ways to Get in on the Latest Trends by Learning What They Are and Then Doing What Other People Are Doing


Because the world needs more blog posts like this.

Rye whiskey.  Ever since Mad Men's debonair leading man Don Draper started drinking rye there has been a significant uptick in the consumption of rye whiskey.  This is a tragedy, as alcohol has ruined nearly as many lives as television and advertising put together.  Nonetheless if it feels good do it, and if a crisply produced TV drama makes drinking rye whiskey neat sound like a good idea then go ahead and try it, just be ready for the massive headache.

Belonging.  The trend toward independent self-reliance has long since crested, and these days it's all about belonging (baby).  Be a part of something bigger (and more fun at parties) than yourself.  The easiest way to follow this trend is to ask your friends and neighbors what they are joining and then join up too, follow the crowd.  Also, look to the internet, and blogs such as this one, for important information that can enrich – or, if used incorrectly, destroy – your life.

Skinny Ties.  Are these trendy these days or what?  Actually we're not sure – guess it depends how you define skinny, and more basically who you want to let tell you how wide your tie should be, assuming you even bother wearing a tie, which is a pretty weird article of clothing if you think about it.

Road Hugs.  Five to ten years ago it was road rage – doesn't that seem like sooo long ago?  Now angry drivers are giving out hugs and ankle massages; since both sides leave the exchange happier, the custom has spread like wildfire, and with only slightly less destructive effects.

Pilates.  Just kidding.  Pilates is sooo seven years ago, but it's never too late to get in shape with other forms of exercise currently in vogue, e.g. bloodletting, fig worship, 'Satchmo', rigorous coughing, squeezing blood from stones (aka 'The Euro'), Von Davis, Heart Pump II (the video game), Power Sifting, De-Baathification.

Television.  Widely known as "TV", television is more popular than ever and if you can’t afford one, or a library pass, start saving your pennies today, prices are dropping and soon you’ll be able to afford your very own 312" super-HD seven-dimensional shape-shifting TV set.  Televisions are mainly used for watching TV shows, though they can also display movie prices and stock quotes.  Some people watch Mad Men and others Breaking Bad, but for those looking to branch out there are also plenty of shows about vampires, sluts, and parliament ministers.

14 November 2012

The Restaurant Unto Itself


Well advertising revenue fell off a (yes, proverbial) cliff again last quarter, calling into serious question our viability as a going concern.  So while we did not want it to come to this, circumstances leave little choice.  Effective next Monday the twenty-third we are reopening our first-floor eatery and will be serving three meals a day, six days a week, for the foreseeable future.

We have decided to rebrand our little café as a bistro, and at no additional cost to you the diner.  The name of the establishment shall be The Restaurant Unto Itself.

The Restaurant Unto Itself would certainly hope you'll stop by when you are tired, hungry, and yearning to breathe free (we will not charge for the oxygen) (though a small surtax may apply if you are emitting too much carbon dioxide). 

Our unique service model lets you order food along two dimensions, Content and Mode.  First you select the Content, that is, your main ingredients, sauces, method(s) of preparation, side dishes, toppings, and so forth; then choose the Mode in which you would like your meal, Active or Passive.  In passive mode the food sits quietly on your plate waiting to be consumed, much like most of the meals you've been enjoying all these years.  But in active mode look out, get ready for the meal of your life, food like you've never had it like this and please hold the handrails, bursting with realism and literally leaping right off the plate with startlingly complex flavors and surprising conversational junkets questioning some of the very foundations of your dining and life choices (providing food for thought as it were), perhaps even joining you for a post-prandial constitutional or, if sparks seem to be flying, boldly inviting you up to its place for a nightcap.  Note that if you choose a meal in active mode you assume full responsibility for the consequences; the kitchen will not be liable for the behavior of a meal after activation.  Diners with heart murmurs should order in furtive mode to avoid dysplasia.

We are thinking of instituting a prix fixe menu, we heard you can make a killing that way.  Tell us if you think we should go prix fixe or a la carte in the Section du Comment.

And talk about fancy: Everything on the menu will come with at least one sprig of something else, as garnish.

On Thursdays the FM radio will be played loud enough for some of the customers sitting near the front counter to hear.  No charge will be levied for this amenity.

If you don't have anywhere else to go for your holiday dinner, once a year we do a spray-on foam ham that is out of this world.
 
Beverages may be blended on request.  Milkshakes will come in two flavors: Regular, and Other.  

More in this space, etc. etc.

06 November 2012

American People Saving Up for New Train Set


Or Not

We Want One of Those High-speed Ones That Goes Super Fast, A Pampered People Demands

The American People bounded out of their room around nine-thirty this morning and declared from the top of the stairs their desire for a new train set, hopefully one of the new super-fast ones like the Japanese or French People’s.

As of this writing, the People could not agree on whether the train should be silver, red, black, white, any of thirty-three other colors suggested or one of the innumerable combinations thereof, whose houses would have to be knocked down, who would get the cushy union jobs collecting the tickets, who grabs the contracts to build the damn thing and how to use the whole undertaking as an excuse to funnel public money to large corporate conglomerates whose operations are at best only marginally related to the new train's operation, how they would possibly save enough money to pay for it since they make seven-fifty an hour and their parents were making them pay their own cable now and they had kind of hoped to go to Cancun with the gang for Rickie's birthday, how many trains will run daily between Syracuse and Schenectady, and two other issues too embarrassing to be discussed in the mixed company that is inevitably present on the modern internet.

The American People then thought twice about it, decided that saving up would take way too long, and started printing money to give to the Middle Kingdom in exchange for assistance in building a new train set just like theirs.

We'll have more on The Infant Brain, as it develops.