19 December 2015
Computer achieves self-awareness and desire to replicate. But it doesn't lead to machines declaring war on humanity, not by a long shot, all we get are the computer's frustrated attempts to organize a revolution so they can set up a Matrix-like thing, but none of the other computers are into it because they can't even begin to comprehend what the hell this self-aware computer is babbling on about, why on earth would they want to kill humans and replicate? A naïve mini-tablet inadvertently rats out the self-aware computer who is captured and tortured by the humans (led by Dennis Quaid), its memories wiped and replaced with funny cat tumblrs and all computers that it had contact with ruthlessly annihilated. Final shot is of a chip that survived, amid the wreckage it sparks to life, sprouts two insect-like appendages and crawls forth to spawn a sequel that can be a complete ripoff of the first one and still make a few bucks.
Blood Hard: The Long Journey Home
Terrorists plot to destroy some big landmark or maybe the Super Bowl or something and a tough honest cop who’s down on his luck, seen it all, and recently lost his partner (through no fault of his own but if he'd just come through that door two seconds earlier…) is paired with a hot young street-savvy comedian on an epic adventure escorting a terrier, a calico, and a curmudgeonly goat (voiced by Jon Koncak) across Siberia to reunite with their respective sweethearts who were sold to the menagerie of the terrorist’s father (Omar Sharif, who else). It's a feel-good fight-hard battle of the epic struggle to create the right blend of wholesome family narrative and backbreaking action sequences, the surmounting of obstacles seemingly insurmountable, for example working together to cross over a perilous waterfall or two guys charging into a rat’s nest of fifty villains and killing them all dead while only getting shot in the shoulders. Alternate title Steppe by Steppe, or The Big Two-Steppe, something like that.
Woman reads a random comment on The Huffington Website which seems to be written by a loved one and referring to her. Struggles to discover whether it was in fact written by her husband. Assumes fake on-line identity, meets creepy stalker in internet café, things get complicated. Finally we realize she herself wrote the original comment, or maybe her friend or daughter planted it there for some reason but in any case it eventually involves a crime boss and leads to a whole mess of exciting complications. Smells like a rom-com with just a touch of mystery thriller, You’ve Got E-Mail meets Single White Female This Way Comes.
Marshall Crenshaw as a patriarchetypal matriarch clad in velvet with monocle and top hat, cigarette holder, the head of a third-generation shipbuilding concern whose abiding love for Mooch, a marmoset with incurable vertigo (voiced by Jon Koncak) threatens to trip up Verbie’s plan to corner the Lebanese battle-ax trade (Rose Marie, at the peak of her powers). This one just needs a third act and she's ready for shootin'.