15 January 2016

An Address to a Really Wonderful Audience, Interrupted by Ruffians


People are hungry for a more literary style, for some depth. They want first and foremost to be entertained to be sure, but it can’t all be fluff. Give us something of substance once in a while, they implore. Something we can think our teeth into.

Well look no further. Ladies and gentlemen, if I could just have your attention please … including you two over here … yes that's right, you in the Insane Clown Posse shirts, pipe down if you would for a second so we can – What? I don't suppose you’d care to repeat that? All right that's enough of you bozos, it's on like Donkey Kong.

[Oaths hurled in both directions, all manner of profanities, vicious threats and hold-me-back-hold-me-backs, culminating in a contained altercation in which I thrash the heckler and his sidekick, knock their twin boneheads together and send them scurrying from the theater in shame.]

Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I do beg your pardon.  Violence is always a last resort.  But there is one thing I will not abide, and that, is ruffianism.

[CEISO (Crowd erupts in standing ovation.) Dusts off lapels and proceeds to deliver mentally stimulating address summarizing the major currents in world history and their likely consequences over the next five to fifty years, as well as the evolution of representational art over the past two centuries, while weaving in some ruminations on the significant recent advances – and missteps – in the sciences of phrenology and physiognomy.  The text of this address is available for a mere pittance, please send a self-addressed stamped envelope to the address printed on your screen. The end.]